the right moment

today at the gym, as i set my stuff down in the locker room, as my reading material at the moment, a man in his mid-40s came in and saw the book i was reading and grew this peculair look on his face- and at the moment i thought he was going to think of me as a freak, or a new age hippie, or a superstitious sort at best. he asked me what the book is about.

the book is titled 'is there an afterlife' by david fontana.

i told him the book was about the scientific inquiry into the afterlife. protectively, as i said that i raised my fingers and made that 'who knows if it's crack or not' remark. i think subconsciously i didnt want people to acknowledge me as that sort of person- one who is a believer. even though i don't consider myself a believer, but i was so self-concious about being labeled as one that i rather give people the impression that i'm not.

but then he went on and told me his own person stories, and i was surprised by his openness about events in his life that made him believer there is more than what we know. he mentioned some classic cases of premonition, deathbed-visions, and poltergeist events that happpened.

from hearing those stories, i can see that his stories were no different from what i've read about in the books, except now i can attach a face to the stories. he himself admitted that he's afraid to read about stuff like this, as it was beyond his understanding and he just didnt really want to find out more about it out of fear and uncertainty. i've always asked why i never got a chance to experience events like those- not to say that i have never experienced anything extraordinary, but the extraordinary events in my life could simply be coioncidences, wishful-thinkings, or just plain luck. in the end, i reamin a skeptic sort.

but i do hope that one day people will not be afraid to speak about such things- and be able to talk about such events without bringing God or religions into it. not that i'm an atheist, but i feel that when they automatically attach god into their experiences, sometimes their stories lose their credence. if they can simply tell the stories as they happen, then perhaps these andoetal acounts would have more weight as a whole.

paranormal events are things we hardly get to experience, but that dont make them fake.
in facts, sometimes those events changed our lives in ways we never expected.

Shoot the Messenger!

straw man (from www.dictionary.com)
n.

1. A person who is set up as a cover or front for a questionable enterprise.
2. An argument or opponent set up so as to be easily refuted or defeated.
3. A bundle of straw made into the likeness of a man and often used as a scarecrow.

So there is this book out titled "God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything." The book attattacked not only 'God' but also religious and spiritual leaders such as Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Dalai Lama. I suppose normally I would have just shrug it off and see the book as just another Atheist Propaganda and no doubt that atheists are the primary audience (buyers) of this book.

Ironically, atheists and skeptics alike always accuse religious people and paranormal researchers/practitioners/writers that all they care about is making money and that they publish books and set up conferences and seminars to take money from the gullible.

They use words such as 'Scam' or 'Fraud' to those people.

But then nowadays we see more atheism books are being published and that the skeptics and atheists have set up seminars (on a cruise, even!) and lectures just like those 'scam artists.'

hmm......I see a double standard here.

I do believe that there are many scam artists out there, but i don't think that you can only find them in the league of paranormal or religion. I think you can find those frauds in the atheistic and skeptic camps as well.

After all, why did the author decide to sell his book to a publishing company which charges 24.99 for the book? How is he different from other researchers who published books about, say, near-death experience? Scam, huh?

why doesn't he just put his work online, and not copyrighted, so that all his fellow atheists can read his work for free? simple, HE WANTS TO MAKE MONEY!

how obvious can that be?

But that's beside the focus of this entry.

so Hitchens went ahead attacking all those people- claiming that what they stand for is merely a facade, and that underneath they were a racist (Gandhi), a ruthless monarch (Dalai Lama), and a fraud (Mother Theresa).

are those allegations true? I think the honest answer from me would be 'i don't know.' but what motivates me to write this entry is not who they really are, but what they teach.

All of them taught tolerance, universal freedom, love, and peace........and that is good enough for me.

there are many people who preach these kind of things, but then they end up doing things that go against their teaching- i can think of quite a few pastors or religious leaders who did that, but should we not listen to their messages because of the flaw (no matter how serious and perverted) of their characters? Should you stop loving others because a minister who taught love is the most important thing killed someone intentionally? Should you not seek peace just because Dalai Lama is a ruthless monarch who teaches about peace and compassion?

The message is more important than the messenger. No one is perfect, free of flaws. and there are always shades of gray- where people share different opinion about the messengers. we shouldn't get carried away by the flaws in them, but rather, we should focus more on the messages and learn from the messages.

instead, we have people who find faults in others and attack them for their weakness, and ignoring the messages they have to share. they get so wrapped up about being 'right' about their opinion of certain people that they would do anything to invalidate everything that they stand for......what's their reward? that they're right? that we shouldn't listen to anyone who can't live up to the standard that he/she is teaching?

i doubt that many people can truly live up to the standard of their own moral values- and i also believe that some of them are tainted by malicious remarks and accusations made by others out of- what? i dont know...jealousy? hatred for religion? contempt for authority figure?

if you really care about the truth, then you should focus more on the messages that are being conveyed, not attacking people's for their inability to live up their standards, or worse, making up lies about them to prove a point.

because then those people are just building up a straw man- someone to blame, a scapegoat, when the problem isn't really just about that one person, but more involved and global than one would like to admit.

hence, shoot the messenger!

there are no monsters- just people with flaws. some struggle with them, some merely let their flaws consume them. only a very few is able to overcome their flaws.

My Pet

or so i wish............

What I think about the Va Tech Shooting

cho was a loner who possibly had speech impediment- i'm speculating that because 1. he hardly talks to anyone, and 2. in his video he mumbled and was difficult to understand. he was taunted and ridiculed in high school and possibly college too. he was rejected by women of his interest- not only that, these women reported him to the cops. the professor found him so creepy that she took him out of the class and taught him one-on-one. students were afraid to go to class or be near him because he was so creepy and taking pictures of them.

now i'm not giving him an excuse or a reason- because i hate what he did (i know hate is a strong word, but what else can i say), and i really don't like the guy (i have some issues of my own to sort out, i guess)- but if you look at everything that happened to him, the action of the society as a whole was breeding him into who he was.

yes, he killed over 30 people, and his karma suffered. but let's go back and see how karma led to him killing those people? how about those people who bullied and taunted him? what about people who gave him dirty look and called him names? how about people that ran away as soon as they saw the sight of him? were these people at least partially responsible for his action? those people planted the seed of bad karma by not only alienated him, but mocked him as well. but then, who got to pay for their behavior, those victims.

ultimately, cho was responsible and there is no excuse for that whatsoever. he may be mentally unstable, but he was sane to carry out those attacks. however, cho did not have any guidance in life- his parents worked all the time, and they probably barely talked to him, his social interaction with other people was horrible- being teased for his reticence and odd behavior.

we're all responsible for creating 'monsters' like cho and eric harris and dylan klebold. That's karma- it is more than just individual action. it's global. it's how every interaction in the world, no matter how trivial or insignificant, leads to a bigger picture- a butterfly effect.

the next time we think negatively of someone and feel the need to say it out loud, to that person, or to others, we should think about how our words and actions may affect not just that person, but of ourselves, and of the world.

i think the most important thing about karma, is not about what we did, but more of what we do NOW. what seeds will we plant NOW that will lead to tomorrow.

when i use the word 'hate' on someone else, i'll try to remember that, and maybe then i'll try to be more compassionate, and to love.

love, after all, it's a verb.

Unreasonable Demand, or Am I Just Whining?

So I called my previous dentist to ask them for a copy of my dental record because I’ve moved to a new place since then and wanted to see a dentist nearby instead. I asked them for my records, and they told me there will be a fee of 22 dollars to get the records. I’m thinking……ok. Sure, I’ll pay for it. I rather do that than getting my whole mouth x-rayed again. And then the receptionist said, ‘ok, it’ll be ready on Monday for you to pick it up.’

At that time, I said, ‘why don’t you send it to me instead?’

She said no they can’t do that.

At that point I was confused. I asked why can’t they just send it to me?

She said I need to fill out paperwork, pay 22 dollars fee so I need to be there in person.

I asked, why can’t you send me the paperwork plus the invoice and I’ll fill them out and cut you a check?

Again, she said, no you have to go pick it up.

Now, I’m a little mad at this. I asked what if I’m out of state, you can’t expect people to come to you from out of state to get their dental record!

Ok, ok. Now you’re probably wondering, do I live out of state?

No. I actually live about 30 miles from the dentist office. But then here is my reasoning for not wanting to go.

First, I have to wake up way early just so I can still go to work later that morning. It’ll take about an hour (with traffic, and with traffic stops) to get there. And it’ll take another 20-30 minutes to wait for the receptionist to call you, and another 20-30 minutes to fill out paperwork, pay, and get my records….then it’ll take 90 minutes to go to work (I live 30 minutes from work, and the dentist office is the opposite direction).

Now we add up those numbers: 60 + 20 + 20 + 90 = 190 minutes = 3 hours 10 minutes.

So basically, they expect me to take 3 hours of my time during a workday just to pick up my dental record?!

Tell me if that makes sense.

Not only that, we’re talking about at least 4 gallons of gas to get there, and also that I have to make up those hours at work.

My question, again, is why can’t they just send me the damn record?

Finally, the receptionist forwarded me to a finance woman, and she said it’s fine they can send the record to me. When I gave her my current address, she actually commented, ‘and it takes you an hour to get here?’

I of course had to explain to myself why I don’t think it’s worth my time.

How would she feel if she has to take 3 hours of her life just to go pick up her medical record when the doctor’s office can simply mail you the records?

Which would you prefer, really?

So now, how much of effort would it be for the office to send me my record? Here are the steps:

1. They send me an invoice and the paperwork (they have to prepare paperwork either way anyway).
2. They wait- well, not actually waiting, since they do have other work to do.
3. They get my check. Now they pull out my record (again, they have to do that anyway whether I come over or they send it to me)
4. They put the record in the envelope, and put it in the outbox of their mail rack.

How long does that take them? 1 hour total, top? And most of that 1 hour has to been done either way anyway.

Okay. The moral of the story is this:

Many times the so-called establishments will not consider the amount of time and effort you have to put in when you request something from them. Now, our health industry is supposed to be a service industry. Where is the ‘service’ in this? How are they making it easy for us in our busy schedules?

I mean, they work there, just like the rest of us. Why can’t they just offer us this service to alleviate the patients from going through all these time and efforts when it’s obvious that the effort for their part would be much much smaller compare to the time and effort they require the patients to go through?

I talked to my friend about this, and he jeered at me and said I complained too much. He said why wouldn’t I just pick it up and save all the hassle?

But wait a minute, does he mean that I’m saving all the hassle for the people at my dentist’s office, or that I’m saving all the hassle for myself?

Obviously, it’s definitely not the latter.

What would you do in my case?

Always know your right. Should we just take it and go on our way? Or should we try to come up with alternative solutions. Don’t take NO for an answer.

Why should you allow other people to dictate what to do, especially when the task itself is so inconvenient to you?

“Just do it,” “Everyone has to do it this way too” are the responses I get for complaining about it.

And you know what gets me mad the most amid all this?

When I asked her why they can’t send me my record, the receptionist simply replied,

“I don’t know”

Tom the Obscure

A dream came upon me last night, a reminiscence of past with a pinch of 'what ifs.' I can't say that the dream was vivid and real, but appropriately, dreamy and surreal. The dream was nonsensical, and out of sequence, but the emotional component of it was undeniably real.

Her name is Sarah. I’ve met her during my second year at New College. Looking back in my life, she was the second person I’ve met that changed my life, other than my family. With first being April, whom that I’ve never even met in person. Sarah was probably the first person that I’ve known that showed me that I was someone important, and special. Although our relationship has always been platonic, I had always thought what it would have been like if happened differently. I remembered telling her that I loved her, and I remembered the hurt when she said she only saw me as a friend- a brother. Of course, things turned awkward, but then I was also transferring out of New College. However, in the time I got to spend with her, I felt that I was someone special, someone who was worth loving. Because of her, I began recognizing the strength in me. I remembered she left a note at my door (she later admitted it herself) saying, “come get your mojo here.” I never quite figure out what she meant by that, but then she was probably under the influence at the time. I remembered the conversations we had, and the moment we spent together- when we went to St. Petersburg for the first time (for both of us), and saw Dali’s Museum for the first time (again, for both of us), and then got completely drenched by the quick afternoon storm, and how at that moment, as we both sat in the minivan, how I wanted to kiss her, but never did. I remembered that flowery dress she wore that day, and we stood at the roof of the building at the Pier of St. Petersburg. I remembered the first time I invited her over for dinner and we watched ‘the little princess’ together through the projector I borrowed from the school. And the talk we had that night.

Looking back now, that night, and the time I got to spend with her, had shaped me into who I am together. Although to me I did not get the happy ending that I wanted at the time, I learned more importantly about myself, and that I was someone like no other. That was her gift to me. I remembered she wrote in a book she gave to me ‘you have magic inside of you, don’t ever be afraid to show that.’

Before the dream, I actually haven’t thought about it much at all. So the dream came to me as a complete surprise. I dreamed that I was in a house that I have no memory of. It was a nice big one-floor home with many rooms. Then she was with me. I don’t think that she came knocking or that we just met up somewhere: I just saw her in the room with me. We talked and talked, and then the passion grew, and we drew closer to one another. It was as if the last 9 years that we were apart only intensified the feeling that I have of her, and in the dream, the feeling that I wished she would have for me back then. We then made passionate love, without any thought of guilt or duty or obligations…..the love itself happened so naturally that we were merely doing what our hearts sought. Yet when the passion was over, she said she needed to leave, I begged her like I never did (even in real life, I didn’t beg her to give me a chance, because I know that we can never be). She was always the free-spirited one- a hippie, some would say. And I was always the more reserve, and careful. In the dream, I finally allowed my truest desire to manifest, to set myself free….

But this time, our roles were indeed reversed. She said that we wanted the impossible, that we couldn’t be, and that she’s married, and she had to leave.

Then at the point, I either woke up or that I have switched to a different dream. As I woke up, I realized that I was not grief-stricken, or that I regretted that I should have done more back then. Instead, I remembered how she changed my life, and helped me in becoming who I am today. With that, I smiled, and brought back the memory of man years ago. I remembered her smile once again, still vivid in my head, and of the time we’ve spent together.

Would I want to be with her? I don’t really think so. The girl that I loved was the girl I knew 10 years ago. And I was no longer the same person that I once were. What we had was a connection, a moment. Giving where we both are, we can’t turn back the time, and revive that moment into the present. Then why the dream then? Perhaps it helped me fulfill a fantasy that I’ve always wanted and at the same time knowing that in real life I do not really want to turn it into a reality. Of course, I can never say anything with an absolute certainty, but then if we ever cross path again, we would meet again as who we are now, not who we were- hoping something to come out of it would just be setting myself up for another disappointment.

The moment came with such a force, like a sledgehammer, and propelled me into the path of no return. Wanting to have that moment again would only mean that I did not learn what the moment is meant to be to me.

However, I’m very grateful that it’s at that moment, I saw an another face of love, and that love remains inside of me forever.

Letter to a Friend

Hello, Carlos.

How’s life? It’s really great hearing from you once and again. Been quite some time since we last talked, eh?

It’s interesting that you mentioned ‘transpersonal psychology,’ because only recently did I happen to exposed myself to it- well, mostly with parapsychology stuff. As of lately I was really overwhelmed by the materialistic approach to human beings- that our consciousness is merely a product of our brain, and that there is no spirit, no afterlife, and that’s it. I was rather frightened by it, and have consumed a good chunk of my time reading up about various literature. I then read about the transpersonal psychology in Britain that deals with consciousness studies, and the theory of non-locality of our consciousness, and its attempt to justify it by using theory of quantum physic. I also read about mediums research in the past, scientific studies of reincarnation conducted worldwide (in US, University of Virginia has a department that studied reincarnation and near-death experience for over 50 years). Oh my, I sound quite like a superstitious freak, aren’t I? I can’t deny that I want to believe these things, but my logic and scientific side of me prevented me from taking that jump- I’m not absolutely convinced, as I myself have no direct experience of such things, and I doubt that in my life time we would be able to say conclusively whether there is afterlife or not. Anyway, I know that transpersonal psychology deals much more than the research of survival of consciousness- following the guidance of Carl Jung, as we attempt to understand a ‘spiritual’ aspect of human beings, whether we truly understand the purpose of ‘being spiritual’ or not. Some scientists even said that there is a gene that’s responsible for whether a person is spiritual or not! I do know this: that I cannot live without spiritual fulfillment. I am not happy with physical comfort or luxury. I need something more. And the only place I can find it is from within- in my mind, in my heart, and in my ‘soul.’ I don’t know if there is a soul that is separate from our physical body, but I do know that without such thing (or delusion, as some scientists and atheists would say), I cannot survive.

I guess the reason I’m saying all these to you right now is because you happened to contact me, and mentioned to me about your interest in transpersonal psychology- a part of me sees it as a sign, and another part of me sees it as a coincidence- that I’m seeing more than there is. And you mentioned of the song you wrote- which I listened. Ironically, I also have some anger issue I have to deal with, and hearing that song, and hearing you mentioned about that conversation that we had- well, it reminded me of who I used to be- and I wonder why I had gone astray from it. I feel smarter, yet my heart becomes more clingy and plagued by attachments and void. Age has to do with it, I supposed.

If the world is what science claims to be- physical, non-spiritual, and meaningless- then I still choose love- like your lyric said: “I wanted something to love more than something to hate.”

In the end, it’s only love that gives me a reason to take that next breath of air, feeling alive.

Blessed be