Tom the Obscure

A dream came upon me last night, a reminiscence of past with a pinch of 'what ifs.' I can't say that the dream was vivid and real, but appropriately, dreamy and surreal. The dream was nonsensical, and out of sequence, but the emotional component of it was undeniably real.

Her name is Sarah. I’ve met her during my second year at New College. Looking back in my life, she was the second person I’ve met that changed my life, other than my family. With first being April, whom that I’ve never even met in person. Sarah was probably the first person that I’ve known that showed me that I was someone important, and special. Although our relationship has always been platonic, I had always thought what it would have been like if happened differently. I remembered telling her that I loved her, and I remembered the hurt when she said she only saw me as a friend- a brother. Of course, things turned awkward, but then I was also transferring out of New College. However, in the time I got to spend with her, I felt that I was someone special, someone who was worth loving. Because of her, I began recognizing the strength in me. I remembered she left a note at my door (she later admitted it herself) saying, “come get your mojo here.” I never quite figure out what she meant by that, but then she was probably under the influence at the time. I remembered the conversations we had, and the moment we spent together- when we went to St. Petersburg for the first time (for both of us), and saw Dali’s Museum for the first time (again, for both of us), and then got completely drenched by the quick afternoon storm, and how at that moment, as we both sat in the minivan, how I wanted to kiss her, but never did. I remembered that flowery dress she wore that day, and we stood at the roof of the building at the Pier of St. Petersburg. I remembered the first time I invited her over for dinner and we watched ‘the little princess’ together through the projector I borrowed from the school. And the talk we had that night.

Looking back now, that night, and the time I got to spend with her, had shaped me into who I am together. Although to me I did not get the happy ending that I wanted at the time, I learned more importantly about myself, and that I was someone like no other. That was her gift to me. I remembered she wrote in a book she gave to me ‘you have magic inside of you, don’t ever be afraid to show that.’

Before the dream, I actually haven’t thought about it much at all. So the dream came to me as a complete surprise. I dreamed that I was in a house that I have no memory of. It was a nice big one-floor home with many rooms. Then she was with me. I don’t think that she came knocking or that we just met up somewhere: I just saw her in the room with me. We talked and talked, and then the passion grew, and we drew closer to one another. It was as if the last 9 years that we were apart only intensified the feeling that I have of her, and in the dream, the feeling that I wished she would have for me back then. We then made passionate love, without any thought of guilt or duty or obligations…..the love itself happened so naturally that we were merely doing what our hearts sought. Yet when the passion was over, she said she needed to leave, I begged her like I never did (even in real life, I didn’t beg her to give me a chance, because I know that we can never be). She was always the free-spirited one- a hippie, some would say. And I was always the more reserve, and careful. In the dream, I finally allowed my truest desire to manifest, to set myself free….

But this time, our roles were indeed reversed. She said that we wanted the impossible, that we couldn’t be, and that she’s married, and she had to leave.

Then at the point, I either woke up or that I have switched to a different dream. As I woke up, I realized that I was not grief-stricken, or that I regretted that I should have done more back then. Instead, I remembered how she changed my life, and helped me in becoming who I am today. With that, I smiled, and brought back the memory of man years ago. I remembered her smile once again, still vivid in my head, and of the time we’ve spent together.

Would I want to be with her? I don’t really think so. The girl that I loved was the girl I knew 10 years ago. And I was no longer the same person that I once were. What we had was a connection, a moment. Giving where we both are, we can’t turn back the time, and revive that moment into the present. Then why the dream then? Perhaps it helped me fulfill a fantasy that I’ve always wanted and at the same time knowing that in real life I do not really want to turn it into a reality. Of course, I can never say anything with an absolute certainty, but then if we ever cross path again, we would meet again as who we are now, not who we were- hoping something to come out of it would just be setting myself up for another disappointment.

The moment came with such a force, like a sledgehammer, and propelled me into the path of no return. Wanting to have that moment again would only mean that I did not learn what the moment is meant to be to me.

However, I’m very grateful that it’s at that moment, I saw an another face of love, and that love remains inside of me forever.

Letter to a Friend

Hello, Carlos.

How’s life? It’s really great hearing from you once and again. Been quite some time since we last talked, eh?

It’s interesting that you mentioned ‘transpersonal psychology,’ because only recently did I happen to exposed myself to it- well, mostly with parapsychology stuff. As of lately I was really overwhelmed by the materialistic approach to human beings- that our consciousness is merely a product of our brain, and that there is no spirit, no afterlife, and that’s it. I was rather frightened by it, and have consumed a good chunk of my time reading up about various literature. I then read about the transpersonal psychology in Britain that deals with consciousness studies, and the theory of non-locality of our consciousness, and its attempt to justify it by using theory of quantum physic. I also read about mediums research in the past, scientific studies of reincarnation conducted worldwide (in US, University of Virginia has a department that studied reincarnation and near-death experience for over 50 years). Oh my, I sound quite like a superstitious freak, aren’t I? I can’t deny that I want to believe these things, but my logic and scientific side of me prevented me from taking that jump- I’m not absolutely convinced, as I myself have no direct experience of such things, and I doubt that in my life time we would be able to say conclusively whether there is afterlife or not. Anyway, I know that transpersonal psychology deals much more than the research of survival of consciousness- following the guidance of Carl Jung, as we attempt to understand a ‘spiritual’ aspect of human beings, whether we truly understand the purpose of ‘being spiritual’ or not. Some scientists even said that there is a gene that’s responsible for whether a person is spiritual or not! I do know this: that I cannot live without spiritual fulfillment. I am not happy with physical comfort or luxury. I need something more. And the only place I can find it is from within- in my mind, in my heart, and in my ‘soul.’ I don’t know if there is a soul that is separate from our physical body, but I do know that without such thing (or delusion, as some scientists and atheists would say), I cannot survive.

I guess the reason I’m saying all these to you right now is because you happened to contact me, and mentioned to me about your interest in transpersonal psychology- a part of me sees it as a sign, and another part of me sees it as a coincidence- that I’m seeing more than there is. And you mentioned of the song you wrote- which I listened. Ironically, I also have some anger issue I have to deal with, and hearing that song, and hearing you mentioned about that conversation that we had- well, it reminded me of who I used to be- and I wonder why I had gone astray from it. I feel smarter, yet my heart becomes more clingy and plagued by attachments and void. Age has to do with it, I supposed.

If the world is what science claims to be- physical, non-spiritual, and meaningless- then I still choose love- like your lyric said: “I wanted something to love more than something to hate.”

In the end, it’s only love that gives me a reason to take that next breath of air, feeling alive.

Blessed be

First Blog

already, i'm at loss for words.

how ironic.